Timothy Valentine/Flickr
Labeling people is generally seen as a negative thing, and kids as well, since then there comes some ideal mold that you, or they, feel the need to fit into, or feel restricted by. When it comes to referring to yourself as an “Attachment Parent”, that can come with a lot of positive or negative connotations, depending on who you ask. It can also come with an entire set of rules that varies from person to person, and often someone declares, “I don’t know how you can call yourself AP if you do/don’t ____!”
You know, because obviously they must have the copyright on the phrase and have the member list in their hand. Call yourself MARKED OFF, stroller-user/formula-feeder/crib-sleeping woman, you! If we look at the real “list” for Attachment Parenting, Dr. Sears 8 Baby B’s, the only real guideline that EXISTS for Attachment Parents, it’s pretty open-ended, really. In fact, it’s not so much about specifics as respect for not only what’s best for your child, but what’s best for YOUR child, as an individual.
So when someone decides that YOU can’t be AP because of ____, they’re really just making crap up. Amy from Just West of Crunchy, and Gina from The Feminist Breeder and I have an ongoing joke that we’ve been “Booted From AP Club” or as Gina puts it, booted from a club she never claimed to join in the first place.
And that’s the thing about labels… they’re just like clubs. Trying to be a member is a bitch, because when someone decides they don’t like one thing you do, they try to boot you from the club… but when you’re looking for friends, being in that club can be helpful. So it’s a double-edged sword.
When I Don’t Call Myself AP:
I don’t follow all the rules that many women have set forth. In some circles, eating a HFCS-laden cookie or drinking a Vitamin Water disqualifies you from the AP Club. In other circles, using disposable diapers, circumcising, using a crib, using a stroller, vaccinating (full, or in some circles at all even if you delay/selectively do so), not homeschooling/unschooling, etc. bans you from the club. See what I mean? To every individual clique or group who does call themselves AP, they have their own ideas about what isn’t. So, to save myself time, I don’t really like myself an Attachment Parent because frankly, I don’t know what that particular person thinks AP is, so I don’t want them automatically assigning their own preconceived notions to me, or my parenting.
When I DO Call Myself AP:
I recently moved to a new area, and immediately looked up two things: the local La Leche League groups, and I did a Google search for any local Attachment Parenting groups. Why did I look for those things? Because just like anything else in life, I enjoy being around likeminded people. It’s not that I think certain types of moms are “bad moms” by any means, but just like I wouldn’t join a romance book club because I hate romance books, I don’t really enjoy being around moms who are shocked that I’m “still” nursing my two year old or that gasp when they find out she’s “still” rear-facing in the car. It’s just easier for me to find groups where I know we’re going to have more things in common than just having squirted out a wee beastie or two.
I really get the feeling this is why many moms use the label “Attachment Parent” for themselves — not because they try to fit themselves into a mold, and in fact according to any one person they might not “qualify” at all, but because they’re trying to find FRIENDS. They’re trying to find like-minded moms, to commiserate with. Yeah, it’s true most people who call themselves attachment parents often co-sleep/roomshare/bed share, often babywear sometimes or all the time, and more likely than not they breastfeed or tried, but that still leaves a lot of room for variation.
Now, there’s nothing WRONG with finding like-minded mom friends. Nothing at all. I’ve been accused many the time of having a superiority complex because I do prefer the company of more like-minded moms, but like I said, that’s because I get tired of defending myself. I don’t want to complain that my daughter woke up twice last night and hear, “So just let her cry-it-out,” because frankly, that kind of makes me feel sick to my stomach. I like my like-minded mom friends because I can ask advice, or my friends can, and know that the advice that will be given is more in line with my own ideals and goals to begin with, and it won’t just dissolve into a “CIO IS ABUSE/NO IT’S NOT” battle, but instead will be genuinely helpful, while still respecting my child’s autonomy, emotions, signals and needs… because THAT is actually what’s at the heart of Attachment Parenting philosophy — not circumcision, vaccinations, babywearing, strollers, ear piercing, car seats… but respect for your little human being AS a human being, full on with needs that must be met, emotions that are meaningful and important, and a responsibility that you must meet as a mother in ways that often require you make some self-sacrifice.
What would be really, really awesome if rather than treating “The AP Club” like some treehouse with a member list with such high turnover that people can be “in” and “out” and “back in” again in a second, according to the whim of whoever holds the roster, would instead be if we could all remember what the goal of Attachment Parenting is in the first place, so we don’t turn away people who eat HFCS or use strollers from the real, true message of Attachment Parenting… whether you call yourself an Attachment Parent or not.
Tags: attachment parenting, mothering, parenting, parenting choices
I thought attachment parenting simply meant encouraging a peaceful, respectful relationship with your child. Not sure what that has to do with things such as types of food, for example. Food choices would seem to fall under the label of “organic lifestyle” or “crunchy” as opposed to AP.
As for your last paragraph where you say AP is about respecting the child as a human being, you seem to directly contradict yourself when you then go on to exclude a list of disrespectful, violations against human beings.
IF you are right in saying that AP is about showing ” respect for your little human being AS a human being” than you would rightly oppose forced circumcision, forced piercings, forced vaccinations, etc. And likewise, you would also encourage responsive parenting.
So….which is it? Is AP about respecting little human beings, or this post about making your OWN anti-AP club?
I liked this post a lot – I just wrote about this whole breastfeeding a toddler thing myself today, so it was good to hear your thoughts about that.
Labels are never helpful to kids and indeed, so many of them are negative self-fulfillling prophesies (i.e. “high-risk”, “developmentally delayed,” “difficult”), or seemingly positive but equally damaging (like “gifted” kids who then feel pressure to always excel). So why do we allow for labels for in parenting? Besides the idea, as you suggest, that labels are a way to help sort and categorize, somewhat, labeling parents seems to me a form of name-calling, which we know ain’t good.
I don’t call myself AP because I vaxx, use disposables and DD has her own room. These are not generally accepted as AP traits but I don’t lose any sleep over it. Eyebrows met hair at the notion that you can “respect” a person while at the same time amputating a healthy, useful body part without consent or adequate pain relief…. Doesn’t sound very “respectful” to me… But that’s where the debates start isn’t it? Respect is subjective. My definition is different from yours is different from hers is different from theirs… Plus I’m from the uk, where infant penile reduction surgery is not done that much, so I’m not desensitised to it as as others are in other parts of the world.
Twitter: RanaAurora
says:
Yup, that was really the point!
It’s all opinions, aside from the few actual written tenets, none of which mention the many talking points that have been more and more indoctrinated by groups that I feel may not ACTUALLY know what the real tenets say… or stand for.
I don\’t call myself AP because I vaxx, use disposables and DD has her own room. These are not generally accepted as AP traits but I don\’t lose any sleep over it. Eyebrows met hair at the notion that you can \"respect\" a person while at the same time amputating a healthy, useful body part without consent or adequate pain relief…. Doesn\’t sound very \"respectful\" to me… But that\’s where the debates start isn\’t it? Respect is subjective. My definition is different from yours is different from hers is different from theirs… Plus I\’m from the uk, where infant penile reduction surgery is not done that much, so I\’m not desensitised to it as as others are in other parts of the world.
There’s another – and in my opinion, better – guideline that exists for what makes Attachment Parenting just that, and it comes from Attachment Parenting International. Their 8 principles can be read here: http://www.attachmentparenting.org/principles/principles.php
I call myself an attachment parent partly because I think *more* people need to use the label properly. If someone insists that one cannot be an attachment parent if they don’t babywear, if they do vaccinate, if they circumcise, etc., I point out that they’re wrong. Let’s not let people who are using a label incorrectly ruin it for the rest of us. The people who are following some sort of List of Crunchy Traits rather than the principles of attachment parenting are the ones who are Doing It Wrong.
Twitter: RanaAurora
says:
I agree! I love API’s Tenets, and I do think they’re more clear.
Using a label wrong… that’s a good angle I didn’t look at here. I agree that people who try to mix in ‘crunchy’ or ‘natural’ or even ‘counter-culture’ behaviors in under the label do ruin it for others. That was my point, for sure! It seems only some people are really understanding this, though. I’m glad to have your feedback as well.
I think it’s so hard to talk about this stuff because we all have our own preconceived notions of what a particular label stands for.
I think that it’s safe to say though that we are all a product of where we live, some more than others. Still, any label is defined by the culture and AP isn’t exempt from that.
So I don’t see the benefit of telling people they are doing it wrong because they make decisions that are accepted by society.
That’s not to say that I believe these things are okay, but I don’t think it is right to set such high expectations and be so judgmental of choices that are AP by a stretch. It’s that type of attitude that divides and alienates people.
Personally, I feel that people should follow their convictions and live in a way they are most comfortable with.
When my daughter was an infant I remember a very wise woman (*cough* Christie, lol) trying to console me of the fact that my not being really AP with Amalia was really the most AP thing I could do. I WANTED to co-sleep, to baby wear, to be with her all the time. Amalia just really didn’t want that. I really fretted about that, but it’s true. I needed to trust that she was her own person and wanted certain things. That rarely included me holding her and being the typical AP parent. Though that is what I wanted, it wasn’t what she needed. Now at 3 she is still extremely independent, but that is just who she is. She still doesn’t like to sleep in a room with someone else, even though she has to share a room with her sister at her grandparents house. She likes me to hold her for about 1/2 an hour a day. More than that and she freaks out. Would I like her to need me more? Of course, but I know I need to put my feelings aside for her. That is what it’s about.
Funny thing is about AP i have done this for all the kids I have ever met from a young age cuddled them and didnt know why but always had their heads where possible against my skin. Later reading the Dr Sears book I was Flabergasted I did what was in the book instinctively and believed in the whole breastfeeding baby weraing culture. now dont get me wong im getting a stroller that has a carry cot etc with all the bells and whistles. but to me if baby wants a hug or dont want to lie down but wants to be nosey and see what your up to, or grizzles my ears prick up and think how would i feel in that situation? then i rectify it as best i can, not saying it will always work but 90% of the time i can usualy find a compromise much to my friends astonishment as they asked “how do you do it?” i honestly didnt know i jsut followed my instincts and went with it. Having a book like Dr Sears made me even more strong in the instincts and beliefes i have as here is a book i can hand to people to say if your instinct tells you you can! and they can use it as a tool to show others that if a doc can prove this works then theres the validation some peole need to leave well alone.
I feel sad that we dont follow our instincts with babies as many parents feel they have to conform to victorian ideals of cry it out or sleep alone or after 8pm is adult time. where did a whole society go to of instinctual midwifes and birth attendants and parents that listened to their babies to medicalised life and baby should conform to 12 hour sleep patterns. If i cant sleep right through the night and i go get a drink or go have a sandwich cause im hungry, why do we expect a baby who is hungry or thirsty to go without? sleep for any one or wehn they eat is complex and more so when your stomach starts off about the size of a walnut shell, over time they learn to fit into a normal routeen for them then learn about sleeping and what night time is. every parent should be taught to follow their instincts, thats why they come as todlers and say dont like some one or they wont go into say the doctors because they have memories or feelings about things. we should nurture this for all time.
Funny thing is about AP i have done this for all the kids I have ever met from a young age cuddled them and didnt know why but always had their heads where possible against my skin. Later reading the Dr Sears book I was Flabergasted I did what was in the book instinctively and believed in the whole breastfeeding baby weraing culture. now dont get me wong im getting a stroller that has a carry cot etc with all the bells and whistles. but to me if baby wants a hug or dont want to lie down but wants to be nosey and see what your up to, or grizzles my ears prick up and think how would i feel in that situation? then i rectify it as best i can, not saying it will always work but 90% of the time i can usualy find a compromise much to my friends astonishment as they asked \"how do you do it?\" i honestly didnt know i jsut followed my instincts and went with it. Having a book like Dr Sears made me even more strong in the instincts and beliefes i have as here is a book i can hand to people to say if your instinct tells you you can! and they can use it as a tool to show others that if a doc can prove this works then theres the validation some peole need to leave well alone.
I feel sad that we dont follow our instincts with babies as many parents feel they have to conform to victorian ideals of cry it out or sleep alone or after 8pm is adult time. where did a whole society go to of instinctual midwifes and birth attendants and parents that listened to their babies to medicalised life and baby should conform to 12 hour sleep patterns. If i cant sleep right through the night and i go get a drink or go have a sandwich cause im hungry, why do we expect a baby who is hungry or thirsty to go without? sleep for any one or wehn they eat is complex and more so when your stomach starts off about the size of a walnut shell, over time they learn to fit into a normal routeen for them then learn about sleeping and what night time is. every parent should be taught to follow their instincts, thats why they come as todlers and say dont like some one or they wont go into say the doctors because they have memories or feelings about things. we should nurture this for all time.