First I titled this “Post Weaning Depression Is Real” and then I felt really sad. Sadder than I already am about this weaning business that my twins have decided to partake in on their own without my permission, presumably the first time they will do something I don’t approve of. But I guess deciding to wean is better than say taking up the dirty habit of smoking at 17 months. So I added the “Yo!” for effect and so I don’t salt my cheeks with the river that wants to flow from my eyes. But I’m still going to sit here and eat 7 (or more) dark chocolate peanut butter cups from Trader Joe’s in an attempt to feel better. I want to ask them, What the crap, kids? Why are you done with mama’s milk? And I have, only without the crap part but they just smile and say ma-mums and pinch my nipple. But have no other interest in it whatever.
Ma-mums is for you! I tell them and express some milk to give them a taste in hopes they will be like Yay! Ma-mums! Give me some! Only they don’t talk that much yet but I just wanted them to latch on and have some. (Pause for unwrapping another dark chocolate peanut butter cup, which goes great with milk by the way.)
In all this weaning business I just kept trying for one more time. One. MORE special breastfeeding moment so I can take a photo to remember the last time or say a prayer or just have one more ONE MORE time where I have that bond, that connection, that amazing oxytocin that I am clearly addicted to and need and want more of. But I end up feeling like a freak trying to force a moment that my kids don’t want. And even if they do latch on for a moment, by the time I got the camera around our bodies they become more interested in the camera than their ma-mums. And all I can think of is why? I offer. They just don’t want it.
Why don’t they want me anymore? Why are they done with ma-mums? It’s clearly my fault. I did something wrong. Maybe it’s because I am a working mom and they got used to the bottles during the day and the morning and night moments at the breast got fazed out of what they wanted? Maybe my low supply (which I know I have) was too frustrating for my kids, who now are older and need more and want more?
And so this just makes me sad. Dwelling on it too much kind of sad. Sad when I put on their bedtime classical music playlist and song number 5 comes on I remember that’s the song that would come on when my son Hunter’s suck would slow and he’d start to fall asleep. Sad that when I see other moms breastfeeding I get irrationally jealous. Sad. Empty, in a weird way. Like I’m “done” and my kids are breaking away from me. Which makes sense. They were in my belly for 36 weeks, they breastfed for 17 months … now they don’t “need” me anymore. Okay, yes, I know they need me in so many many many ways, but they don’t need or really want ma-mums. Which just makes me terribly sad.
So in an attempt to not let the depression get worse, and not for me to overdose on dark chocolate peanut butter cups, and because the change of hormones has been very very noticed, I took my first yoga class today (after years of not doing yoga). Something for me. Something to help my aching back, get air in between my bones, have more positive affirmations to add to my daily momtra. And something I hope will help me not be such a sad mommy when they say ma-mums and don’t want any.
Have you ever experienced post weaning depression? How did you cope? Should I just have another baby? (That last question is a funny. Sort of.)