Before you point out the obvious here (“YOU’RE reading it!), the entire reasoning behind my reading of this magazine begins with guilt. My grandpa, who has since passed away, felt it necessary for me to have a subscription to at least ONE magazine for the majority of my life. He finally canceled my “Seventeen” subscription when I turned 23 (I had a two year old by that point, which pretty much disqualified me from the “Are you ready to go all the way?” quizzes) and it’s been Parenting magazine ever since. Throwing this waste of paper into the garbage without dutifully flipping through the pages pretty much feels like a dis to Gramps, so here I am.
Let’s begin this month’s issue, shall we? For starters we have a lovely two page lecture about how stupid it is to not vaccinate your children. All facts taken from the new book of Dr.Paul Offit, pediatrician, vaccine advocate extraordinaire and coincidentally the benefactor of $10 million dollars worth of Rotateq royalties. Glad he’s here to look out for my kids and not to just pad his own pockets like some of these quacks! Note for next time: Obtain information from real doctors and not just people receiving reach-arounds from Pfizer.
Okay, so they’ve taken a very typical, biased stance against vaccines. Not that unbelievable I suppose. So what’s up next? A helpful 3 page vacation guide, of course! Key West, Myrtle Beach or Los Cabos, Mexico? I wish I had a nickel for every time that dilemma kept me awake at night. No, this is seriously in the magazine. I really don’t know what else to say about this except the thought of getting out of my house long enough to go to a really nice Mexican restaurant, let alone Los effin’ Cabos made me LMFAO. Note for next time: Just don’t do this. Seriously. It’s really pretentious. Recession, anyone?
Here’s the point where we encounter about 20 pages of filler. Yawn, flip, great. A “Parents Journal for the Babysitter” for $23.99? BRILLIANT! I’m sure that could hold so much more important info then my .99 cent notebook from CVS. Three page Elmo spread? Super duper. I don’t get enough of him, looove seeing him in the 3 minutes worth of alone time I’ve had in about a week. A page here and there with tips on going green that you could only picture coming out of the mouth of a woman named Muffy. (Tip #2 was “Buy a Hybrid SUV” and I’m not even kidding.) Note for next time: What the hell happened to diaper ads and tips on how to keep your kid entertained without dropping your life savings into NickJr.com?
Other ridiculous hypocrisies abound throughout Parenting magazine, like the food and snack section with recipes like “Slow cooked pork sliders” and “Peanut chocolate popcorn”, followed immediately by a short piece on how to keep your children healthier and more active. Note for next time: Keep children healthier and more active by avoiding “slow cooked pork sliders” and “peanut chocolate popcorn”.
Oh hey, a quiz! These are always the best right? Find out which celebrity duo is most like your child and their friends…wait a minute, what the..? Comparing your toddler and their “friends” to Matt Damon & Ben Affleck or Regis & Kelly should be worthy of jail time, I’m almost sure of it. Note for next time: Fire Charlie Sheen-ish writer who produced quiz comparing 3 year olds to Hollywood celebrities.
I could go on all day like this, I really could. I mean, page 112 is entirely devoted to dressing like Gwen Stefani for god’s sakes. But all of the mocking aside, god knows I enjoy it, what I really want to know is where to find a REAL parenting magazine?! Is this seriously all there is? I wonder how many others besides me would enjoy a parenting magazine that was filled with serious tips, helpful information and articles on how to budget and SAVE money, not on where to blow all that cash that is obviously burning a hole in your pocket, what with this thriving economy and all. If anyone happens to find/write/dream up a magazine like THAT, please let me know. In the mean time I’ll be making regular damn popcorn and using “So, do you like Parenting magazine?” as a new mommy-friend screening question. Note for next time: If your answer is yes, I will most likely be putting my child (who is not Matt Damon, has never been on a vacation and doesn’t make Jamie Oliver recipes with me) into my non-Hybrid, barely functioning automobile and driving as far away from you as humanly possible.