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Technology is one of my favorite things in life. Seriously. Between the internet, my cable networks, my ereader, and so on, I’m in heaven. When we’re not broke, my husband and I enjoy keeping up with current technology too. But it doesn’t always work out quite right. I mean, how many times have you called a company or gone to a store where they say, “Sorry, our computers aren’t working right”? It’s both a blessing and a curse.

One of the most irritating pieces of technology out there when you’re a mom is the voice-activated phone menus.

Look, it’s hard enough as a mom to make phonecalls anyway. Even if you make sure your children are all fed, have peed, have every toy they own and put them in front of the TV with a bowl of candy and beg them to leave you alone for 5 minutes, they are designed by some sadistic creator to have Phone Radar. You know, the radar that tells them “MOMMY IS ON THE PHONE!” and gives them some IMMEDIATE need for something, or just to tell you something, that has to be done that very second, as soon as you actually decide to use the phone.

Even if you hide in the closet, their radar will find you.

So, to make matters worse, sometimes you have to pay bills, or call a business that has a voice-activated phone menu. Now, these I already struggle with because I catch myself saying “Thank you” or “please” to these machines, and they go, “That was not an option on the menu” and I find that my automatic manners just confuse the system… see, and I almost called it a robot. It’s like I’m determined to personify these things. (By the way, I love the old English woman accents some have.)

Anyway, but when the MOM ON PHONE radar sends your kids to you while you’re trying to speak slowly and clearly for the robot voice, it’s game over. The system asks you if you’re calling to make a payment, check your balance, or speak to customer service.

You: Make a pay—

Child: MOM, HE’S NOT LETTING ME WATCH THE SHOW I WANT TO WATCH!

Computer voice is now confused and tells you so. So you listen to it’s options over again, waving your hand frantically at your child to go away, pointing at the phone, mouthing words that you don’t want to say outloud for fear of making it worse. So finally, again, the system asks if you’re calling to make a payment, check your balance, or speak to customer service.

You: Make a–

Child: HE’S STANDING IN FRONT OF THE TV AND WON’T MOVE!

Computer voice now thinks you asked it to speak in Spanish.

So now, you hang up the phone, since you have no idea what it’s asking you anymore, rip your kids apart and set them in different rooms, away from the TV, again reminding them you need to make a phone call so they need to be quiet for just five minutes or so help you god you’ll punish them with something you don’t even know what it is yet because it’s that bad.

So, after calling the line back, entering in information to get back to the question, it asks if you’re calling to make a payment, check your balance, or speak to customer service.

You: Ma–

MOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

And this, utility company, is why my payment is late, and why when I say I called you 20 times and was never able to get through, I’m really not lying.

Seriously.

I think all moms need sound-proof telephone booths in their houses. It’s the only way we will survive this new voice technology.

Tags: parenting